dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Randomize
