Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Randomize
