When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Randomize
