I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
