dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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