Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
