we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
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