Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Randomize
