You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
