my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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