I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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