I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Randomize
