Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Randomize