i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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