I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
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