If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Randomize
