the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
