I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
Randomize
