Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
He shit in the fireplace
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
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