my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
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