If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Randomize
