Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Randomize
