i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
