so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Randomize
