Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
