Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
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