i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Randomize
