So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
