I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Did yall have sex?
Well we both woke up naked and there was a condom wrapper on the floor, but I don't remember so does that count?
Def not... that's how I managed to keep my number under 10 for all of college- If you don't remember, it didn't happen
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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