We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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