did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
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