anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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