I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
So here I am, sexting at work.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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