FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
