I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
