he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
Randomize
