I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
I could fuck to npr.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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