Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Randomize