Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
