Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
Randomize
