I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Randomize
