dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
