we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Randomize
