If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Randomize
