Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
