I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize
