My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
