the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
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