last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
