is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
