I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
