someone get that fucking seahorse.
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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