You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Randomize
