i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
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