I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
