I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
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