my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I cut my penus on the lid.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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