If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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