I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I've blown a few things in my day
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
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