I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
