nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Randomize
