They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
