I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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