I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
