Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
false alarm. still invincible.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Randomize
