Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
she looked like the before picture.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
